- Christopher McCandles
Sometimes I wonder if you think of me, but then I remember how incredibly great your life is. Too great to waist time on thinking about my sad pathetic one.
I wonder if you ever miss me, or remember some of the beautiful moments we spent together, but then I look at how naive we were, so obsessed with the idea of Love, not really in it.
I realize now how little, if any Impact I had on your life.
How stupid and desperate I was to ever believe in love and it’s strong bond, and deep connection.
Nic left me for his ex girlfriend who “had his heart” sense middle school”.
I acted like I didn’t care at first, but I was really upset that I wasn’t the girl who had his heart.
I’ve become such a pest to you. I’m not your favorite Person to be around, nor your least favorite.
If you were locked in a room with me and a bad book, you would focus so hard on that book, you would make it rude for me to even speak. even though the book is bad.
That’s a terrible comparison, but you get the idea.
I wish I didn’t try so hard to get closure from you or be friends again, because if I haven’t we both would probably still be confused, but okay about what happened, and we wouldn’t be friends at all. We’d go our separate ways for collage and what not, but then. 5 years later we’d see each other at a small cafe, your eyes would meet and our minds and thoughts would get twisted and overwhelmed with questions and feelings about where we’ve been and done.
And maybe, just maybe we’d have another chance at us.
But God knows that will never happen now. I’m not someone you like to be around anymore. Hell I’m not someone anyone likes to be around anymore.
I wish I could say you were somebody that I use to know. I wish we could have loved each other as deep as the ocean. A love so true, so deep and real, that couldn’t be denied, even after 5 years of absence.
I dream, I wish too much. I’m so obsessed with the thought of being in love, I’ll truly convince myself I’m in it.
I wish we could fall in love for real, but your 1,000 times more perfect than before and I’m, I’m just terrible.
I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.
I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely.
The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.
its been 8 months. longer. im over it ,you. its done, ive accepted the facts. ive accepted what i cannot change. im good. im not angry or bitter. or hopeful or sad. im fine, just fine.
Remember when i was Fantastic?
i say all these things. i convince my self of them. but deep down. im furious. you. Me. everything. im so frustrated. why still. shoot me.
Why dose the fact that you didn’t say Happy Birthday bother me so much. did i mean that little? was it that easy to forget? was I that easy to forget? why dose it still matter to me? why do i still care? why?
I don’t want to care anymore. i don’t want to keep hurting. i don’t want to keep writing these pathetic essays. What am i missing? what am i holding onto? why are you still in my head? why cant i just let go already? Damn it. just shoot me.
I don’t understand. i don’t know what else to do. I’m so frustrated.
"Be patient", what i feel God is telling me." Wait it out. in time. keep doing what your doing eventually I will be all you think about, if you stay focused."
but how much more can i take? am i just ignoring it? i am. im denying it. because accepting it wont make it any better. but ignoring it. im fine. better than i would be if i wasn’t. i never thought of my self as some one who stuffed their problems away. i just realized thats what iv been doing. like 2 seconds ago. “think happy thoughts and you’ll fly” biggest lie iv ever told my self.
i don’t like to talk to anyone. they just listen, but they dont understand.Once upon a time, i didnt even have to finish my sentence, you would stop me and say ‘i understand.’ a friend like that would be nice right now.
im so ready to break. i feel my self about to break. im scared. im trying to trust God, actually praying that he would break me so that i could come crawling back to Him, because i am so ready. im so done. but im scared. i am going to break. explode. i feel it. But im terrified. so ill keep myself together.
im frustrated. why do i still care? What the hell am i missing?
I’m falling apart. Just shoot me.
dang, i need friends. no. this feels better. Jesus and tumblrs all i need. tumblr was made for venting. no one follows me any way. this is good.
Something told me it was over
when I saw you and her talking,
Something deep down in my soul said, ´Cry Girl´,
when I saw you and that girl, walking out.
I would rather, I would rather go blind boy,
Than to see you, walk away from me.
Ooooo So you see, I love you so much
That I don’t want to watch you leave me baby,
Most of all, I just don’t, I just don’t want to be
I was just, I was just, I was just sitting here
Of your kisses and your warm embrace, yeah,
When the reflection in the glass that I held to my
lips now baby,
Revealed the tears that was on my face, yeah.
And baby, baby, I would rather be blind boy
Than to see you walk away, see you walk away from me,
Baby, baby, baby, I’d rather be blind now
id rather be blind, than to see you with her. But i would die not being able to see the moon at its fullest or the waves crash on a shore. To see the things that make my heart pound when I cant seem to hear it beat. For that reason, ill look the other way. And smile and marvel at my Gods incredibly beautiful creation.
ohholycats asked: Your a good child, and im happy you'be grown closer to christ<3
ohhh <3 youu toooo <333
Ohh gosh, what a day. i think it was the most anticipated day of my life. i remember i woke up, late, and choose from like 20 outfits, narrowed down from 100 hah, but chose my light blue shirt. at the end of the day i vowed to never wear that shirt again, still haven’t. i was so nervous. and then you rested your head on my lap, while we sat next to an ugly pond with beautiful Koi fish, and ate pizza, and everything was perfect. We went to the thrift store, i bought a moon and a suit case, hah and then we walked Indian. we had to cross the street. we jay walked, hah. you started walking and then looked back, and saw i wasnt and i said ’ hold my hand, im scared’, i was kidding, but i got you to hold my hand. we went to the movies,messed around cause we got there early, and then we went on my roof, stared at the moon and talked. it was the perfect day. Some where in that day you told me ” the best days, are unplanned ones”. we had been planning that day, for months. and i planned everything we would do in my head. i wanted everything to go my way, the way i thought would be perfect. But you were right. we had some pretty fun days, i learned to trust you. today a year ago was the real start of it all. February 28th, i cant remember, except for the fact that it was you and gabbys day, but today. i remember perfectly. summer, every damn day this year,every time its 70 degrees at night, i think of those summer nights we spent walking, or staring at stars on my roof.every time i count down a sunset, every time i see a full moon, no moon, the moon, every time i go on a roof, every time i go to in’n’out , every time i go over the freeway bridge on valencia, every time i hear ‘sea side’, i haven’t listened to that song sense the last time you held me in my bed, every time i pass by that bench, which has only been twice, sense that day, every time i sit in the middle seat of my car, i think of you on the right, Every time im in redlands, which has only been twice sense us, every time i say the words “I Love you”, every time i say ’ sweet dreams’ or, ’ good night sleep tight i hope the bed bugs bite’, i havent said that to anyone sense you, or ‘i hope the bed bugs bite’ haha,every time i see a sunflower, every time i wear my blue flower shirt, every time i hear drums, see drums, every time i hear you name, why dose it have to be so damn common, and when i see you. just shoot me, i get butterfly’s even worse than before. you smile, i die. your button nose. i dont even know what a button nose looks like, but yours is so cute. i miss your lips, your nose, your Eskimo kisses. i hate writing songs about love, but i cant stop. your hug’s. i cant remember the last time i got one of those, or the last time i looked in your eyes, and saw you looking back, really looking at me, not cause you have too, or when you accidentally catch my stare. you once said ” its going to be so hard getting over you, because every thing reminds me of you.” i know you didn’t mean that, but i swear just because you said it, if i find something that doesn’t remind me of you, i think of when you said that, and then it dose. every time i think of you, i cant even explain it. i miss you, i hate you, i regret you, I Love you. I wish you were here. i wish you loved me. im so messed up. Im with this guy nick, and he’s so good to me some time’s. He tells me he loves me, i say it back, but i dont mean it. i want to , but don’t. i think of you, maybe this is how you felt with me, but with gabby. I put up with all of Nicks crap, he treats me terribly, he throws me when he;s mad, curses at me, insults my God, my family. but i stay with him. I think this is provably how you felt with me. I Hate being with nick, i don’t wanna be with him, i don’t love him, i want you, i swear, if you would give me another chance i know this could work. I think of all the sleepless nights, and all the crying , you broke me. completely. broke, me. I despise teenage relationships. they all end in heart break. i know i never want to feel like this ever again. talking to edwin one night , telling him what i think about teen age relationships, he says ” yeah but its worth it in the end ” if i knew only what i knew, before you told me it was all a lie, i would believe that, and that, and Jesus, would give me peace. to know what we had was real. but you said it wasn’t . not for you. and im left with this mended heart, thank God, but it wont stop bleeding. some times i feel, i think, maybe, im only with nick to get over you. i do things with him, i don’t think in those moments, i only think, ‘as long as i get him out of my head’ but i cant. nothing is an act of Love, i some times pretend its you im kissing, just to keep him satisfied a little longer., just to pretend im doing these things in love, but im not, nothing i do will get you out. maybe for a little while, but these feelings for you, will stay the same. i do stupid things that threaten my life, and all i will think of, is you. Its been 6 moths sense we ended things. why do i still love you? as much as i deny it, i Love you. and you, you don’t give a damn about me. you were over me the first week. you never even loved me. i have no impact on your life, maybe a negative one. but you, you are the reason for everything ive become. i dream of a day when i would be able to tell you these things in person, and you would hold me , and tell me to shut up. you would tell me you love me. and then kiss me like you did in the summer, when you thought you loved me, and walk away. that to me would be the perfect exit to me. I think of the next girl you will love. i get so angry. but at the same time, i know i would be nothing but happy for you and her, ill be beyond jealous, that she gets to be truly loved by you. ill make sure she knows what she has, actually i wouldnt do anything, i will just cry. i know ill be okay, if i let God continue to work in me, but i kind of dont want to, i deserve it. i want to sit here and hurt for ever letting you feel nothing but loved. i love you. i love you . i love you. im sorry. please forgive me.
you know. that night i got stranded in redlands last week. i was with nick, it was 845. we were right across the bench where we made up our own language, i was in his arms,just staring at the bench, all i could think of was you. i couldnt stand to be there much longer. so i left , to go watch the moon rise. it was a full moon, in redlands, on the state street. all i could think of was you. so i waked all the way to the end, i could see the mc donalds we stopped by that one day we walked across the town holding hands, on the hunt for ice cream. i sat on a bench and sang ” cant help falling in love” . the second i heard that song, i thought of you. how you would always talk about slowing down, ” wise man say only fools rush in” and how you would always stay late, we would be on my roof till midnight, just kissing. “shall i stay , would it be a sin” but couldn’t help falling in love with you. I trusted you.”take my hand, take my whole life too”. i cant help falling in love with you. i tried to sing it to you one time, but embarrassed the crap out of my self. haha. so yeah , i sat there and sang that song, and listed to ‘sea side’ for the first time sense the last time. i just cried and cried till 11. and then i realized i was alone and then i walked to every where we went. almost every where. haha.then i talked to that stranger, you know the rest. So do i regret today? today was the start of everything, kind of. if today last year wouldnt have happened would i be truley happy? would i be as hurt and messed up as i am now? would we still be friends? i dont know. but I, me, I dont regret it. loving you, and believing i was being loved in return was the best thing that ever happened to me. i miss you. i miss us. sucks to be me. well i cant help falling in love with you. and for the record, you never gave me that last kiss you promised. im sorry for cursing i highly doubt you will ever read this. there was never any “virus” haha.i just didnt want you to see this, well tell me when you do. hah, ill see you soon, talk to you later. Goodnight sleeptight, dont let the bed bugs bite, sweet dreams babe, i love you. goodbye.